how to stop losing
life is a game that you can win, but it is not a competition.
I have “won” a great deal of things. sports competitions, academic awards, university acceptance, employment, social media engagement…the list goes on. my greatest accomplishment? the feeling that I get when I think about what is to come
get uncomfortable with losing
the world will separate very clearly between losers and winners when you finally become aware of how many people are comfortable with loss. odds are that if you have a goal in mind that appears out of reach, you may just have grown comfortable with habits that are working against that goal. and if you don’t have any goals at all, well…
on TikTok (@3Shaunie), I shared my one step to getting a discount on rent in my high-rise apartment: I asked. I asked my leasing agents, “Can you please lower my rent?” and they did. my comments became immediately flooded with people that said that they would not even bother to ask because they knew their building admin would say no. I will not call them losers, but that is certainly a losing attitude.
and then, my dms, emails, and comments were flooded for months down the line with people who said that they decided to ask. people have messaged me reporting discounts on their rent, their vehicles, their phone bills, and utility bills since I posted that video. some received no’s, and many received yes’s.
the difference in frame of mind between those who choose inaction and those who choose action is this: comfort.
those that asked for rent reductions truly felt uncomfortable with the amount that they are paying in rent each month. my video was only a reminder. those that did not bother are comfortable paying what they pay. even if they are in a financially stretched state, they are comfortable enough to not take action.
last week, I saw this t-shirt that read, “AMERICA IS JUST AN IDEA”,
and instantly my mind painted this wonderful chain of thought. one person decided, “this piece of land is called America”, and everyone else decided that they are comfortable enough with that idea.
hundreds of years later, people on either sides of those lines have been in agreement. this is America, and we are all comfortable with that. comfortable enough. in conflict, one country may decide that they are not comfortable with the idea of some other country, and so they act.
it seems like a no-brainer to take action, but you would be surprised. our brains protect us so much so that one can become very comfortable with pretty much anything— scarcity, stress, and even chaos…but that’s an article for another day.
all of our actions and decisions are simply a matter of comfortability, and I know that sounds so simple but I also believe that life is.
here’s some advice—
stop interacting with people, places, and substances that make you feel comfortable with where you are.
you need friends that make you feel like you’re not doing enough,
and you need a sober mind to realize how much you hate your life.
that’s where the change starts.
you claim to hate your job, but you are comfortable enough that it is not worth it to edit your resume, or to even do some research to see what positions are out there. at least you get enough money to buy coffee everyday and free donuts on mondays. but once you can no longer even enjoy the free donuts like you used to, you are no longer comfortable. and so you take action.
if we remove a lot of the fluff from our lives and truly see things as they are, we may realize we don’t love them like we thought we did.
when I quit my investment banking job, I realized that if I was not spending thousands on mall trips, vacations, expensive daily lattes and fine dining, I could not bear the environment.
luxury can be pleasures— or it can be a pacifier. if I can not find happiness without a pacifier then I am not truly happy.
some people will tell you not to leave a broken relationship because “all men cheat”; they have made themselves comfortable with that idea. you can decide that that is not something you are comfortable with. it is not something we are comfortable with by nature, which is why it hurts. you can make yourself grow to be comfortable with it, but you can also decide that you will not.
I realized not too long ago that I thrive in peace. more peace than I was accustomed to.
I make my best decisions and do my best work when I am in a quiet, serene space. I feel my best when I meditate regularly, sometimes with that reggae music, but only that— no words. I feel most authentic and empowered when I speak softly and don’t have to raise my voice to be heard. that is not what I have always been comfortable with, but that is what I am comfortable with now.
I am supposed to be comfortable noise;
growing up in the NYC area with loud dumpster trucks, police sirens, and infinite construction. and to ethnic heritage of the most passionate people in the world. we yell for our athletes, we laugh with our children and elders, and we hoot and dance to the bass of reggae drums that stream from our soles throughout our bodies.
I’ve been in conversations with other native new yorkers who are uncomfortable with quiet, suburban areas. they joke, “where’s the noise? I can’t sleep without it”. they are uncomfortable with sonic stillness, and I am not. that is my choice.
you want to stop losing? choose discomfort. all of your actions now are habits that you have made yourself comfortable with. I strongly recommend that you read the book ‘Atomic Habits’ by James Clear to truly understand the weight of your actions, big and small, and start rewriting them.
you can train yourself uncomfortable with the bad and more comfortable with the good. that is how you win the game.
I hope you enjoyed reading half as much as I enjoyed writing,
Shaunie